July 30, 2020

What would Jesus drive?

Posted By Jessica Taylor

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Apparently, some insightful people on the internet have figured out that cars did, in fact, exist in biblical times. Any BMW enthusiast will tell you that the 1980s-era 3 Series was God’s chariot, but evidently Jesus cruised around in a Honda Accord. With that in mind, we deduced the cars mentioned in the Bible, and ranked them. No, Tim Tebow’s Thunderbird didn’t make the cut, just like its old owner.

10. 2 Peter 2:17 (NKJV), “These are wells without water, clouds carried by a tempest, for whom is reserved the blackness of darkness forever.”
Whoever wrote that line clearly had intimate knowledge of the black darkness of living with the Isuzu-made, GM-sold Geo Stormon a daily basis.

9. Deuteronomy 16:10 (NKJV), “Then you shall keep the Feast of Weeks to the Lord your God with the tribute of a freewill offering from your hand, which you shall give as the Lord your God blesses you.”
Not to knock the Mazda Tribute – it was a fine vehicle and sister car to the Ford Escape – but you’re paying too much if you’ve got more money than God and still have to skip meals to make your payment.

8. Exodus 19:13 (NIV), “Only when the ram’s horn sounds a long blast may they approach the mountain.”
The sound of a vehicle’s horn has long been equated with its quality. This is why a Rolls Royce’s horn sounds so much better than a Chrysler LeBaron’s. It’s a pretty solid endorsement, then, that God told people they can’t go up a mountain until they hear a Ram truck’s horn. Still, it would’ve been better had He let them ride up the mountain in the bed rather than just honking at them while they hike.

7. 1 Corinthians 8:9 (NKJV) “But beware lest somehow this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to those who are weak.”
God was clearly saying that the Jeep Libertyis a fine vehicle, but underpowered. Fortunately, when the zombie apocalypse happens, Hemi-powered Jeeps should do the trick.

6. Jeremiah 32:37 (NKJV), “My fury, and in great wrath; I will bring them back to this place, and I will cause them to dwell safely.”
Most scholars seem to agree that God drove a Plymouth Fury. Some arguethat He used it to drive people to safety like some sort of Taxi God, while others note that He drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

5. John 12:49 (translation unknown),I do not speak of my own accord.”
In Acts, the apostles pulled a classic clown stunt and gathered “all in one Accord.” How they knew about it, though, is anyone’s guess as Jesus never really talked about His Honda.

4. Psalm 11:6 (AKJV), “Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup.”
God promises vintage muscle cars to bad people in the form of the Pontiac Tempest, presumably to force them to pay incredibly high gas prices for cars that get 12 mpg.

3. Matthew 11:18 (NKJV), “For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, ‘He has a demon.’”
The Demon was the sporty version of the Dodge Dart, which itself inspired some pretty epic philosophy.

2. Exodus 32:18 (NASB), “But he said, ‘It is not the sound of the cry of triumph, Nor is it the sound of the cry of defeat; But the sound of singing I hear.’”
Most bikers know that Moses was one of several riders in biblical times. The irony of the fact that he picked a Triumph motorcycle, renowned for — among many other things — running at high speeds through the desert, is not subtle.

1. Matthew 14:8 (KJV), “And she, being before instructed of her mother, said, Give me here John Baptist’s head in a charger.”
Sometimes, you’ve got to just step back and admire the sense of drama these old-time kings and queens had. When Salome asked Herod for John the Baptist’s head, she asked for it to be brought in a Dodge Charger, thousands of yearsbefore a bunch of baddies in a Charger went gunning for Steve McQueen’s head.

 

Written by Aaron Miller